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| photo by Akida |
My skin is flawless. It really is. It reminds me of porcelain. When I hear talk about the complexion of certain actresses, how perfect it is, I think, 'My skin is like that too. My face has no evidence of pores...'
That is, until I got a magnifying mirror.
Oh, from a distance, and with eyes that are going bad, my skin is perfect. I cannot see any pores whatsoever. It looks like I'm wearing foundation (although I never have succumbed).
But with the help (thanks so much) from the magnifying mirror, I can finally see that the pores on my face are large enough to land a rocket ship in. (In fact, I hear a helicopter circling now. Excuse me. I'll be right back.) There are also huge brownish spots. (Someone muttered, "Age spots." I backhanded them.) And the wrinkles and furrows are deep enough to host a pipeline. With room for some tree-huggers to crawl around, as well.
I got the mirror because my eyebrow hairs are quite wily. Elusive, clever, they are bent on survival. They even have evolved and now use camouflage to avoid getting plucked. Pure white, they blend in with my pasty skin and are almost impossible to see. The magnifying mirror helped me hunt them down, but now I am too scared to use it.
If you see one of those mirrors in the store that boasts "10x" or even more, don't walk away. Run. And put a lower wattage bulb in your bathroom. Your self-esteem will thank you...
(This was prompted by a comment Lisa Ricard Claro made on Tammy Goodsell's blog. They are both funny, but I don't read their blogs anymore because my pantyliners have a limited capacity.)
Well thanks for stressing my pantyliners, too! My sister once commented that my cosmetic mirror was gross because I'd let it get so dusty. She started to clean it. I wailed, "NO!" I LOVE the dust. I look sooo much better through that fog. Ignorance really is bliss.
ReplyDeleteMirror, mirror, on the wall...who's the fairest of them all?
ReplyDeleteWHAT?!?
HER?
I am SO selling you at a garage sale, mirror.
Yeah, ditch the mirror.
ReplyDeleteOh, and all glasses. Time to return to candles, too.
ReplyDeleteLOL You got it all exactly right! See? That's what I was sayin'...those mirrors are the devil's handmaiden. I knew I wasn't the only one who despises the darn things...even as I admit I can't toss mine in the trash. Without it I can't see to pluck those dastardly chin hairs!
ReplyDeleteYeah....some mirrors are definitely too Up Close and Personal!! :)
ReplyDeleteI hear you. I won't go NEAR a magnifying mirror. And I'm developing increasing gratitude for my not-20/20 eyesight!
ReplyDeleteWorse when you can't identify the old broad with the sour puss looking at you, and it is. Just reflecting.
ReplyDeleteMirrors are evil creations.
ReplyDeleteHilarious post, Sioux--but you really do have beautiful skin.
Donna
Well, I suppose that out of the light of the magnifying mirror, you are a "flawless beauty", like Sister Constance in The Trouble with Angels. But the way you carry on makes me think that you saw Rodney Dangerfield looking back at you from that mirror!
ReplyDeleteLisa and Tammy--Thanks for providing the inspiration.
ReplyDeleteFireblossom--A garage sale, so I can ditch the mirror...A great idea.
J Cosmo Newbery--Draping scarves over the lamps will also diffuse the light. But I like the idea of candles.
Katie and Becky--Yes, mirrors are NOT our friends. And yes, it makes failing eyesight a thing to look forward to.
Linda--I know. When did I turn into my mother? Who is that old hag in the mirror?
Donna--You need an eye exam.
Val--So, you've seen me in public without my knowledge, huh? I've won 2nd prize in a national Rodney Dangerfield look-alike contest. So what's it to ya?
Great post, Sioux. You described me so well. Although, all I have to do for perfect skin is to remove my trifocals when I look in the mirror. I often wonder what I look like to little kids with perfect vision. I shudder when I recall how well I once could see the tiniest details. Ouch!
ReplyDeleteHA HA HA, that was so funny... and I could SO relate. Now I have to go see what prompted you. I have the same lighted magnifying mirror that my older sister gave me when I was 16 - can you believe it? When I was 16, well, what did I need that thing for? And how in the world did I carry that thing with me in all the places I've moved, but just used that thing last night and was frightened by the things I saw!
ReplyDelete