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| photo by favourite waste of time |
St. Louis writer extraordinare, Linda O'Connell, was assaulted on Thursday. The assailant, still at large, is considered armed and dangerous.
Interviewed while the EMTs were evaluating her condition, Linda gave a detailed description. (Did we expect anything less from a writer?)
" 'At large' is an apt term. She had droopy breasts and gray roots indicating she was about five weeks overdue for a dye job. Perhaps the authorities might apprehend her in the hair coloring aisle at Target? And she was wearing the most butt-ugly shoes I've ever seen."
"I was about to sit down in a large, overstuffed chair at Barnes and Noble when this banshee came charging at me. She yanked the chair right out from under me and I landed on the floor.
As she ran off, the loon shrieked, 'Stop hogging all the publication credits. Let somebody else get into those Chicken Soup books.' The psycho's floppy breasts and wavy arm flaps caused a tornado-like effect. I was lifted up by the force and tumbled again to the floor."
Police are questioning members of St. Louis Writers Guild and Saturday Writers. O'Connell's injury necessitated that the injured body part be placed in a sling. Fortunately for the followers of her blog, as well as for the countless publications that depend on O'Connell's stories to fill their pages, her writing will continue uninterrupted...
You scared me when I saw the title. Anyway, say nothing. This interview is over. My client was underground at the Westward Expansion Museum with her aged grandmother when this happened. I can produce 75 witnesses. I'm a lawyer, why would I lie?
ReplyDeleteOMG I can't stop laughing, and listen perp, get your facts straight, it was a hard, wooden chair that was yanked out from under the Chicken Soup Chick. Can't get a bruise form a soft cushion. Help, I am gasping, laughing. Shoot! I woke my hubby.
ReplyDeleteSioux...ya got me. I thought, oh my God. Then I thought...in Barnes and Noble? What is this world coming to. Then I just gave up and checked the mirror for gray roots. Nope, none there...my whole head is gray. And I don't own a pair of butt ugly shoes. I've got some gnarly toes, but pretty shoes always cover them. So you're gonna have to check other SW members...wasn't me.
ReplyDeleteSo funny.
Sioux, you are too funny! This was the first thing I've read this morning, and it is nice to begin the day laughing.
ReplyDeleteKathy M.
Funny post! (And I'm glad it is funny. At first, I was worried!)
ReplyDeleteI totally fell for it. I was thinking about the kinds of condolences that needed to be extended. Oh my! You made my heart skip a beat, and I need all those beats just to get by in life.
ReplyDeleteBut it was awesome!
I am CRACKING UP! That was so damn funny (poor Linda, all this laughter at her expense!). Can you imagine what that young man was thinking - or better yet, texting - while he slouched in that chair watching/listening to us? HA!
ReplyDeleteBwahahahaha! Poor Linda! It must have been traumatic. But I find myself feeling sorry for her assailant (obviously someone pushed over the edge). She sounds like a woman who requires an IV chocolate transfusion and a trip to Victoria's Secret to be fitted for a push-up bra to stop all that flapping. Maybe a margarita---for medicinal purposes, you understand, just to settle her nerves. I'll look into it...as soon as I stop laughing.
ReplyDelete:-) Pretty funny over here!!
ReplyDeletePearl
Laughing so hard I can't catch my breath- oh, my, that was funny!
ReplyDeleteHilarious, y'all. Makes me wish I lived near St Louis.
ReplyDeleteHope Clark
FundsforWriters.com
Well, judging from the description, the perpetrator should be able to hide in plain sight as a teacher in any Missouri public school.
ReplyDeleteDon't ask me! I was laughing too hard. And by the way, did you know when you laugh with your hand on the mouse, the screen wiggles?
ReplyDelete