The Pyrenees---Southern France

The Pyrenees---Southern France

Tuesday, December 20, 2011

Another Friggin' Fairy Tale

            There once was a mythical, magical land, shrouded in spiritual s*#t. Viggo Mortensen (with his long, Lord-of-the-Rings hair) stalked around, searching for his perfect mate: a middle-aged woman (middle-aged, if she was going to live to be 106, that is) with overactive upperlip hair and a poochy belly. (His tastes must have changed since moving into this fantasyland, you say? I'm the blogger here. I should get some perks. After all, it is my fantasy!)

         On one hilltop was Lady Linda. She would have been working on another submission, but she was too busy zipping up Santa's pants. (Sorry. This is not a G-rated fairy tale.) Santa was  looking for a  saying, "Ho Ho Ho," causing Linda to be...preoccupied. If you want all the lurid details, check out her side of the story.

        Surrounded by swarms of supporters was Shay. She lived in a lovely valley, where life is fair and everyone is free to choose who they love. (Did you forget again? It's a fairy tale.)  Her 1,000th poem had just been posted, which meant 1,000 tired spirits had done all the work but Shay had gotten all the credit. Bosco was at her side, as usual, to keep up the pretense that swirled around Fireblossom's blog; in her lair is also Emily Dickinson, preserved in dry ice.   

Bosco, the Wonder Dog

     On another hilltop was Temptress T'Mara, singing her Siren's song. Who was she luring into the sharp-edges of her words--handsome young men, men who are Cougar-worthy? Alas, no, they were bandy-legged baldies, because she was culling the depths for stories since--after all--men with quirks and men with twitches are far more interesting than Viggo clones. (And if you need sustanence during your tour of this fantasyland, Tammy has some birthday cake, topped with cream cheese frosting, that she can offer to you to...oops, it was consumed by a coven of five bwitches. Sorry.)

      If you looked quickly, you could see Beth darting here and there, doing planks and push ups and her exercise instructor other exercises. She has time to write and work and raise kids and look fabulous. (She must be destroyed!) The walls of her writing den are covered with the snot she has snorted out in her frequent fits of laughter. (She must be silenced!)

       There was a pinnacle, where two quiet writers perch. One is Donna, who refuses to read her work aloud. Elusive, shy, and humble, you must purchase anthologies with her work in them--or win a copy of one of her stories--in order to enjoy the gifts of her writing. The other is Lynn, who--despite her immense talent--makes excuses about her pieces. Her stories are haunting, poignant, and her endings are brilliant. When she opens her mouth in self-denigration, shove some of Nora Ephron's spaghetti into the open maw. (That heavenly stuff will shut anyone up!)

      There is another pinnacle where a humorless writer writes. No sound is heard except the sssssh of the wind. Don't stop or tarry too long there. Anyone who lacks a sense of humor is not worthy of your time... 

     There are more places we will visit in 2011 as this fairy tale continues before the year ends...Come back so we can get to the "happily ever after" part.




  1. What a funny, friggin' fairy tale. Your posts make me laugh out loud!

  2. You are a riot and very sweet in your humorous way. God love ya! And quite creative too!

  3. What a fabulous fantasy, Sioux! You had me at "hello," by which I mean... the title. This is hilarious, and I agree that men with quirks and twitches are far more interesting than the Viggos of the world. But, why did you correct that word, "bwitches?" That should be a word, damnit! (And not just for a speech-impedified person referring to his/her slacks!)

    HAPPY HOLIDAZE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  4. Shay--He is indeed a handsome boy.

    Donna--Thanks. I aim to please (most of the time).

    Lynn--Thank you. You're quite creative as well.

    Katie--At times, I try to be a bit proper. It doesn't happen very often, and doesn't last long, either.

  5. Whoa! What about short-haired Viggo in 28 Days? I don't mean to second-guess your fantasy, but he played a major-league baseball player with a sex addiction. You might want to check it out.

  6. This was great! I enjoyed reading the many stories which had me smiling!

  7. Val--I have not seen that movie, and did not even know it was a Viggo one. I will have to check it out. However, comparing his short-haired look in "Eastern Promises" to long haired "Hidalgo" and "Lord of the Rings," there's no denying which is the better style...

    Thanks, Pat. I'm still waiting for the price and where to send the money. You know what I'm talkin' 'bout.

  8. I know better than to read your posts with a cookie in my mouth. Now the computer screen is covered with splatter. You make me laugh out loud!

  9. Linda--More on the computer screen, less on the hips. (Obviously I don't practice what I preach!)

  10. So let me get this straight....Even in fantasy land, I am shoving cake in my face and attracting "bandy-legged baldies?!?" Shoot, I thought I had a chance when you described who Viggo's type is these days. You make me laugh out loud, too!

  11. Tammy--It's MY fantasyland, not yours. And since I love Viggo AND cream cheese frosting, both have an integral part in this fairy tale.

    As for the bandy-legged baldies, you actually have a young hunk attending to your needs, but he's not allowed to leave your lair. You only socialize with the oldsters so you can gather stories for your book.


Thanks for your comments. I appreciate you taking the time to stop by...