The Pyrenees---Southern France

The Pyrenees---Southern France

Wednesday, September 14, 2011

Why Doesn't It Come With Instructions?

       Today I had a boxing match with my top. I won a few rounds; my shirt won a few. The officials are still debating who's the winner--they'll get to wear a big fancy belt.

     If they determine I'm the winner, make my belt spandex, please.

     I think most women know the kind of top I was battling this morning. It has the appearance of being a wrap-around blouse, and has a (usually) contrasting "panel" in front under the deep v-neckline. However, the "panel" is really a tanktop apparatus. 

     Slinky and slippery, that tanktop was. It's made of lycra or spandex or some flesh-constricting NASA-created material. And it was wily.

    I put it on this morning--the first time I had worn it--and initially got the straps of the tank top twisted around. They bunched up in a wad at each shoulder, making me look like Lada Gaga when she was in that weird pointy shoulder protusion phase.

    However, once on, that top did not want to come off. It had found a lovely home...plenty of cellulite, some floppy fat rolls. It refused to budge.

     After a clever fake-out move on my part (I stood in front of the mirror, patted my tummy and looked at my reflection in mock admiration, then like a panther I pounced on the bottom hem and yanked like my life depended on it...because considering the girdle-like abilities of this shirt, my life did depend on it), I got it off, read the nine-pages of directions, and carefully put it on again. This time, the right way.

      Why is it that only women's clothing is complicated?


  1. Sioux, I always love reading your posts. You are hilarious and should be writing for comedians, or better yet, be a stand-up comedian yourself. I'm having Deja Vu, as if I've told you this before..which I probably have. I can't get over how seemingly quiet and shy you are in person...and then give you a writing instrument of any kind, and Smack Pow Zap...just like Bat Man and Robin, you zing me with your comedic brilliance.

  2. Ha-ha, been there done that. Nothing worse than being in a store dressing room and getting stuck. Panic, constriction...just the thought of having to be rescued or assisted...gotta go. I'm hyperventilating.

  3. I agree with Becky about your writing. You're funny. And like Linda, I've panicked in a dressing room when I couldn't remove something. It's like the clothes shrink-wrapped onto my body. One time, I thought I was going to have to rip it and then pay for a torn piece of clothing. And one time at home, I had to have my husband rescue me.

  4. Hi Sioux,
    You always manage to put a smile on my face. I love this post!
    The other day I lost a battle putting on my sports bra. I think it was trying to choke me because I've neglected it by not exercising enough and leaving it in the dresser drawer for so long. It got twisted up the back of my neck, and I had to call my hubby into the bedroom to rescue me from its clenches.

  5. You are too funny, Sioux! I worry that I'm the only woman alive who stays away from any fashion that requires more than a simple pull-on or pullover the head. Do you know the movie with Diane Keaton and Jack Nicholson "Something's Gotta Give"? My husband chortles whenever we watch it. I'm sure you can guess why.

  6. Btw--For some reason your posts aren't showing up in my reader. I have no idea why, because I'm sure I'm a follower.

  7. Becky--I do. I write for Letterman. I teach so I have some "fun money" to blow on the weekends.

    Linda and Lynn--When I tried this top on at the store, I almost got stuck. It turned into an octopus. I got so frustrated, I was sure I was going to hear "Rrrrip," any moment as I tore it trying to get it off. I should have known then NOT to purchase it.

    Donna--A sports bra? Just the mention makes me tremble in fear. (Did your husband find your predicament humorous?)

    CGC--I know exactly the scene you're talking about. I love that movie, for a multitude of reasons.

  8. Oh, too funny...especially since this was me in a dressing room just days ago. And like Linda said, I hyperventilate just thinking about it. Thanks for the laugh.

  9. I have a shirt just like that! LOL You're right, women's clothes are more complicated than a man's. I like to think it is because either men are too lazy to take up the challenge or their brains can't process a more labyrinthine pattern than "pull over head, insert arms." (I will not accept that they may simply be smarter for refusing to bow to complicated get-ups.) :D


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