The other night--a "school night"--I was up from 12:30-3:30. (See reason #9.) I started thinking what were the benefits of being menopausal. And here they are.
1. The hair on your leg starts getting sparser (but more unpredictable).
2. You're never cold in the winter. (The hot flashes ensure you're always dragging around your own portable heating unit.)
3. Your breasts become fashion accessories. Sling 'em over your shoulder for a scarflike look in the back, let 'em hang down like a scarf in the front, or tuck 'em into the waistband of your pants if you so desire. They are so versatile!
4. Your family, friends and colleagues steer clear of you; often, you will get your way without even pressing the issue because everyone fears for their life if they cross you.
5. Evening entertainment is cheap now. No need to go to a movie to see something scary. Just sit on your couch with a mirror that magnifies, and start plucking away at the stray hairs on your face. It will make you scream! It will make you shudder. It will petrify you.
6. You can get a part-time job at Hershey's, if you need to. Your nose now becomes so finely-tuned, you can sniff out chocolate within a six-block radius.
7. If you're facing an armed criminal, you'll never get shot in the head or the face. As you're coming up to a corner, there's no need to inch your head out to take a peek, since your stomach precedes you wherever you go. Your poochy gut arrives a few minutes before you, like the QEII cruiseship, "announcing" your arrival.
8. Lots of weird things happen--health-wise--but fear not. It's never anything serious. Your doctor will listen to your litany of symptoms, look at your chart, and say, "It's your age." (And then you take the speculum and use it to gouge holes out of his face.)
9. When you wake up in the middle of the night and cannot go back to sleep--for several hours--you can get lots accomplished. I worked on a submission when I was up the other night.
10. Because of all the facial hair that is sprouting up, you can now get work as a character actor. In television shows. As an old man...
How about you? What would you like to add to this list?
I would add to #7 that even if the stomach doesn't protect me from criminals, there is a certain "scary mom/grandma-face" that affords almost superhero-like protection.
ReplyDeleteYes, the facial expressions we make during the hot flashes and the estrogen surges ARE scary...add the mustache and beard (on a woman) and we are indeed powerful.
Deleteha ha number 5 is so me!
ReplyDeleteUnfortunately, me too.
DeleteWell, the only issue I can speak on is #2. I think I could pick up some extra cash by renting myself out for weenie roasts and s'mores parties. You know, during those Fire Danger:High days of drought.
ReplyDeleteMelted Hershey bars in close proximity to me? Not sure I'd want to risk that...
Delete"I'm feeling sort of mental" is my theme song. At least I don't have my monthly visit from Mother Nature anymore. But, the owrd is meno"pause". Does this mean if I live long enough my menses will return like a cruel joke? As it has been an 8 year pause, the hot flashes are not as intense, but, in addition to the extra patches of unwanted hair I am plagued with skin tags and vericose (very gross) veins.
ReplyDeleteOMG, Kathy--I almost forgot about the skin tags. What is with those pesky things?
DeleteThese were wonderful! It is so nice to know that someone understands exactly what I'm going through! :)
ReplyDeletePat--But it's a club that nobody wants to belong to.
Delete