Linda O'Connell--Assaulted

photo by favourite waste of time

         St. Louis writer extraordinare, Linda O'Connell, was assaulted on Thursday. The assailant, still at large, is considered armed and dangerous.

         Interviewed while the EMTs were evaluating her condition, Linda gave a detailed description. (Did we expect anything less from a writer?)

          " 'At large' is an apt term. She had droopy breasts and gray roots indicating she was about five weeks overdue for a dye job. Perhaps the authorities might apprehend her in the hair coloring aisle at Target? And she was wearing the most butt-ugly shoes I've ever seen."

           "I was about to sit down in a large, overstuffed chair at Barnes and Noble when this banshee came charging at me. She yanked the chair right out from under me and I landed on the floor.

           As she ran off, the loon shrieked, 'Stop hogging all the publication credits. Let somebody else get into those Chicken Soup books.' The psycho's floppy breasts and wavy arm flaps caused a tornado-like effect. I was lifted up by the force and tumbled again to the floor." 

            Police are questioning members of St. Louis Writers Guild and Saturday Writers. O'Connell's injury necessitated that the injured body part be placed in a sling. Fortunately for the followers of her blog, as well as for the countless publications that depend on O'Connell's stories to fill their pages, her writing will continue uninterrupted... 

              

Cruising for Pumpkin Cheesecake

        (This title came from The Husband. Since it is his dastardly dog that did the deed, and I'm giving him credit for claim to the canine, I am also giving him credit for the title.)

       Picture the scene:  two middle-aged women (middle-aged if they are going to live to be 100 or 120 years old).  Both redheads (from the same bottles).  Both a little a lot ditzy. Both responsible for wrapping gifts at a St. Louis Barnes and Noble for Love a Golden.  To round out the team is Foley.  He's embodies what I like in men--he's handsome, blonde, and not too bright. (Actually, my glances rarely stray to blonde men, but since I don't have a chocolate or black lab, I have to work with what I have...Just follow along.)

Foley...Photos of Cindy and Sioux are not available, due to
their wish to remain anonymous

      One is retired teacher. The other is still teaching, so they get excited about simple things.  Tape that comes off easily from the tape dispenser. Pens that write nicely.  Anything free.

      At some point The Husband comes with two tall chocolate-coffee drinks in his hands, along with two servings of pumpkin cheesecake.  Cindy and Sioux squeal.  Chocolate and sugar and caffeine and pumpkin (which is usually just relegated to Thanksgiving!).  And it's free (for them).  More shrieking and shivering with anticipation.

     A couple of bites, a couple of slurps, and then someone ambles over to the table with some books to wrap.  Sioux put her plate on her chair--since she had to stand to wrap--and Cindy put hers on a chair way off to the side as they busily worked.

     When the books were wrapped, Sioux began to sit down.  Since The Husband was still there, he shouted out, "Don't sit down," but it was too late.  Sioux's rear end had made contact with the cheesecake.  It was not completely flattened, but probably (since there were witnesses) past the point of being edible. 

     Off Sioux went to the bathroom to wipe the whipped cream off her butt.  (She also took a moment to contemplate:  Would it be so improper to eat the cheesecake?  After all, some of that rear end came from eating cheesecake...It would be like a brother meeting a long-lost sister.  And how dirty could her rear end be?  No one ever thought dirty thoughts when gazing at her flat, wide rear end...)

     Since falls and trips and drips and spills are such an integral part of Sioux's life, this was not life-shattering.  And thankfully, The Husband had fed Foley the "ruined" cheesecake during the clean-up in the toilet, so Sioux did not have to face the dilemma of the century...

     A few more book wrappings later, The Husband (still there, perhaps waiting for the encore performance, albeit sans cheesecake) noticed that Foley had whipped cream on  the top of this head.  And Cindy noticed that her dessert plate was completely empty.  And all three noticed that Foley looked quite...content.

photo by scrap sister
Could Foley have been cruising the internet, spied this photo, and developed an
overwhelming desire to taste whipped cream? 

     Now the Cheesecake Factory is screaming out their new endorser:  Foley.  He helped wrap gifts the next day as well but sadly, there was no more pumpkin cheesecake for him.

Appearances Are Deceptive...Or Are They?

         Yesterday, for most of the day, I was wrapping gifts at Barnes and Noble.  It is one of Love a Golden Rescue's top fundraisers each year; we are at several area bookstores during the holiday, and always have a great time talking to people.

       There was a couple I recognized; when I walked past the cafe to use the restroom, there they were.  For several years now, I have seen them when I wrap up books.

        I don't know what the attraction is. Do they come in to read the magazines for free?  Do they come in because it's a warm place in the winter? I didn't look too closely, but I assume the male half of the couple was drinking coffee or tea in the cafe.  All I saw the female doing was talk. Loudly.

photo by weirddollz

         To describe their clothing choices or their appearance would not do them justice.  They both  have the look, however. You can tell, just by a quick glance, that they are a bit "off."  (He has the oddest-looking, longish wig...at least I am praying it is a wig.)

        Mentally ill?  On the brink of homelessness?  Just a bit mentally retarded?  I wasn't sure.

         As they were heading out the door, they stopped at my table.  She wanted to go home.  "I'm feeling a bit peckish," she said.

        Geeze Louise!  I've never heard anyone use that term.  It's from another century; I've seen it in ancient books, but uttered from a mouth in 2010?  How weird!

       She then playfully grabbed the donation box--full of dollar bills---and said, "Thanks for the donation!"  Catching my eye, she put it down, and they walked out the door.

       Strange!