The Pyrenees---Southern France

The Pyrenees---Southern France

Saturday, August 11, 2012

Caught Red-Handed (Or Black-Handed--If There's No Red Ones)

       Yes, school has started. Yes, school with kids has started. Teachers talking to other teachers always like to make that distinction. "With kids?" when they're comparing start dates. Because almost-always, there are several days or a week of deadly dull fascinating meetings that cure insomnia inform and educate the teachers before the students begin.

photo by missngui

      I have had two days already with my students. And it has been two good days. But that is not what this post is about...

       When the teachers begin a new school year, so does the tried and true annual stealing spree. In the halls and teachers' lounge, there are stacks and boxes and rows of treasures junk that have been discarded as cabinets and file cabinets are cleaned out. Cruising through colleagues' clutter to find a valuable worthless goodie (that--most likely--you will discard next year) is how we warm up.

      Because this is just the appetizer. The entree waits...in the office.

      There, in the school office, is the vault. In our building it has a combination, and only the secretary knows the left-right-left-right-left (and so on) combination that has to be spun to, the dial wildly spinning as forty-two numbers are clicked into place, 42 rotations of the dial, until--with a magical whoosh--the vault door is opened.

      Once the Brinks men have left their post at 7:30 every morning (because now the secretary will take over the guarding of the loot), the safe's contents are fair territory. Educators sidle in, sideways glances to see if the secretary or one of her minions (the aides) are watching, and if no one is paying close attention, they slip in, closing the door slightly, to stealthily carry out the deed.

      Only new teachers get excited with file folders and scotch tape. The highly-prized and almost-extinct rolls of masking tape, dry-erase markers, staples and (whisper) Sharpie markers are what we old frumpy and hairy-chinned veteran teachers stuff into our pockets and shove into our armpits...but we grab a few file folders or a few envelopes as our "cover." And then we scuttle back to our rooms with our bountiful booty.

      Earlier in the week, I snagged a whole box (count them: four of 'em) of dry erase markers. Sadly, no Sharpie markers could be found. I also grabbed two rolls of masking tape. Yes, I might only need one right now (I have 157 dozens of large, laminated leaves that still need to be affixed to my ceiling) but educators are hoarders. You never know when the producers of masking tape will go on strike...so you must collect and hide and say, when asked, "I have no square to spare."  Because teachers who share end up with empty cabinets. And the friends they shared with? They're happily snapping off snippets of masking tape, not even shedding a single tear for their tapeless neighbors...

photo by Tony Lynch Photography
Blue Tack (do not confuse it with the grayish, useless Blue Tack wannabe) is never in the vault. Teachers have to buy
this miracle material themselves.


        Teachers are not the only talented thieves around. Writers steal, too. They find a device, a strategy that's clever (like beginning with the ending, and then flashing back--or leaving the reader in the dark until the end of the piece) and then they embrace it as their own. Oh, we're glad to give credit, but we steal nonetheless.

        What have you stolen from a writing friend? For writers, the statute of limitations is seven minutes, not seven years, so don't be afraid to admit it.  

20 comments:

  1. Laffin @ the seven minute statute.

    Long ago, when I was still in high school, I found a paperback copy of a book of short stories by a man named Donald Barthelme, called "Unspeakable Practices, Unnatural Acts." He had a talent for telling smei-realistic stories with a liberal dash of the surreal and the absurd. The thing I stole was his knack for making a simple statement of fact that was somehow off kilter but also intriguing, making the reader want to know what loony trip Barthelme was taking them on this time. Something along the lines of "My wife, a fine woman and a graduate of Wellesley, did not support me in my decision to become The Human Fly." At the time, I had never read anything remotely like it, and I loved it. Perhaps oddly, I read a different volume of Barthelme's more recently ("Overnight To Distant Cities" I think was the title) and grown-up me didn't like it as well, it was too guy-ish. But the influence remains.

    Also, in 1989, I read a collection of bizarre prose poems by a man named Russel Edson, entitled "The Wounded Breakfast." They were dream-like short pieces describing completely crazy but somehow logical situations. Something like this, which I am making up by way of illustration: "My spaghetti coiled and spoke, proclaiming itself the reincarnated spirit of an ancient Egyptian Cobra Goddess." And so on, to some crazy half-baked conclusion. I soaked it up and stole the habit of cloaking the weird and impossible in every day trappings.

    Now I'm better than either of them! Ha! :-P

    ReplyDelete
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    1. Fireblossom--Have you read Chuck Palahniuk's "Haunted" which is NOT about ghosts or spirits? It's written as a series of vignettes, about a group of people who sign up for a writers' retreat. It's definitely twisted and well written.

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  2. You got DRY ERASE MARKERS FOR FREE?

    I will find you on Google Earth, and track you down. That's how I steal. I don't care how fast your broken-down Crocs can carry you. I am on a mission! A dry erase marker mission.

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    Replies
    1. Send me your address (your school address is fine) and I will send you a box. But hurry. The number of boxes in the vault are not unlimited...

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  3. Can't think of anything that I may have stolen from a writing friend... I know what I'd like to steal :-).

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    1. I imagine that I would like to steal the same things you would. And I'm sure we'll hear evidence of them on Wednesday...

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  4. Steal all you want! It won't stop the office from demanding blood and urine samples just to let you make copies!

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    1. And don't forget their demands of getting my third-born, but two kids are plenty, so that ain't happenin'!

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  5. Love your description of getting into THE VAULT. Stolen from friends...hmmm....I just can't think of a thing....

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    1. Tammy--Those who can pull gems out of their skilled sphincter don't have to steal!

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  6. From one of my writing pals I stole the idea that when I submit to a writing contest I must do so with the notion that I AM going to win. Otherwise, what's the point? It sounds like a silly thing, but it is a confidence boost AND a kick-in-the-britches to edit in a timely manner and be sure that what I'm sending off is the best it can be.

    Your telling of what teachers go through reminds me that most teachers spend a lot of money out-of-pocket every year to buy school supplies for classes that keep getting bigger. I'm always blown away by the dedication most educators have. Thank you.

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    1. It's the best job in the world, Lisa, so buying what we need is part of the joy. But thanks.

      Sometimes when I see some high-falutin' doctor or lawyer or CEO making buckets of money and driving a fancy car, I think, "Teachers touched you." It is a delightful profession.

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  7. Oh, the lengths you will go to insuring that I do not track you! That sharing business doesn't sound fair. You know, with me having that brand-spankin'-new, state-of-the-art, electronic screen dealybobber hanging from my ceiling. Maybe I could get you one of those...

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    1. I had a newly-created "skylight" in my ceiling--one of the ceiling tiles was shoved out of place. I kept waiting for a section of the roof to roll away/disappear so we could actually see the sky. But alas, it did not happen.

      Yes, get me a dealybopper for my room. It's not fair that you country folk get everything and us city folk have to do without.

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    2. Are you saying that you don't get a big chaw of tobaccy on your lunch tray? We have a special compartment for it. Teachers get two.

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    3. We sometimes have brown, goopy stuff on the lunch trays, but I don't think it's "chaw."

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  8. I steal words from other writers. Today's word? "Chaw".

    :-)

    Pearl

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  9. I love the picture in my head of the vault! It brings back many memories (and many not good)! I haven't stolen anything from a writer yet but after watching a rerun of Big Bang Theory yesterday, I see that I will have to "borrow" Penny's phrase: Holy crap load of crackers!

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    Replies
    1. I didn't get to watch it last night, but I love that phrase, too. (The Sheldon character is hilarious and well-acted, in my opinion.)

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Thanks for your comments. I appreciate you taking the time to stop by...