The Pyrenees---Southern France

The Pyrenees---Southern France

Monday, March 21, 2011

A Blogging Fairy Tale of Fireblossom, Lisa and Pearl

illustration by
                    In a land far, far away there lived a woman named Fireblossom.  For years she was held prisoner. She wasn't allowed to be herself. She wasn't allowed to write. So she wasted away, drowning in a dammed-up river of words.

            Ten years ago she was released; at the same time, a poet was unleashed. Fireblossom toiled away at her keyboard, creating a poetic work of art every day. Or so she led us to believe...

         Hundreds of people--from near and far--followed her trail of words. People drooled over her poems, wondering how one person could give birth to a work of art every day.

       But in reality, it wasn't Fireblossom writing the poems. In her palace called "Wordgarden" she had dozens of bottles, all lined up in rows. In each bottle was a spirit; every day one of the genies was given their freedom for the day.  The price of a day out of their prison?  A mind-blowing poem... 

         So even though Fireblossom's minions were responsible for the incredible poem every day--and not Fireblossom (after all, what mortal could create a poem like this every single day?), it was still marvelous reading, so her followers kept coming back to read the latest poem...

photo by Rebecca Nathan

            In another corner of the universe was another writer named Lisa Ricard Claro.  A perky smile. A wrinkle-free face. Having lots of talent and energy, her writing credits piled up.

           Trying to appear older and more "mature," she created the ruse that she has grown children.

          Her followers were aghast!  Where were the Samsonites that were supposed to be under her eyes?  Why were her breasts not resting on her poochy belly?  Where was the red, sweaty face---the sign of constant hot flashes?

           It was discovered that her children were rented.  After many experts measured her waistline, it was proclaimed she had never given birth. Lisa was "outed" by AARP, who declared her age closer to 30 than 50.  In spite of her lies, her followers did not abandon her. After all, a good writer is a good writer... And who can resist a well-crafted phrase?

        And yet in another faraway land was Pearl.  She, too made the mistake of Lisa and claimed to have a grown man-boy.  Again, AARP brought in their experts. It was found that Pearl was closer to 30 than 50.  She had paid the same rental company for her "child." A bunch of female bloggers, all of them sporting mustaches and cellulite, threw rocks at her in protest. But since Pearl is used to running after people who deface the bus stops, she avoided getting hit.

       But then PETA stepped in.  It seems that Pearl does not write her blogs. The real talent behind her blog is Dolly Gee Squeekers.  Dolly got herself into a "minimeowzer" so her rolls of fat did not show, called for a press conference and claimed she was being underfed and overworked. 
photo by Ignotz

        "Being tied to thith computer for eight hourth every day ith dethpicable!" Dolly cried.   PETA is working on what would be an appropriate sentence for Pearl.

         And the ending to this fairy tale?  Once the truth was unveiled, everyone lived happily ever...And their happiness will continue as long as these three powerful bloggers do not unite.  Because if their powers do join to become one super-power, the world will never be the same... 


  1. Wonderful, fabulous, hilarious!! And I totally agree about Lisa! She's obviously lying about her age!! Sorry, I don't know Fireblossom or Pearl yet!

  2. And there you have it: yet another angry female blogger, with a rock in her hand. (See the previous comment.)

  3. Oh, my goodness, Sioux! What a surprise this morning. You've got me laughing so hard the tears won't stop. I don't know whether to thank you or send in the Reality Police. LOL I got to your paragraph on "rented kids" and just lost it. You're such a hoot. For the record, I really love how I look in Sioux Land!

    Off to visit Pearl and Fireblossom. :) You crack me up.

  4. I, too, lost it at the rented children. This is such a delight. have a big dorky smile spread across my face.

    I have to get pedaling, in order to make sure I get to work on time today (since I am not sure how long it will take), but I will visit my future allies in world domination when I get home! ;-)

    Thanks, gal! Imma link up.

  5. You nailed all three. Well, not in the Charlie Sheen sense of the word, but you know what I mean. Your way with words is delightful, Sioux.

  6. Hi Sioux,
    You are so creative and funny!
    Donna V.

  7. Very creative, love the minimeowzer! I can just see it. Enjoyed reading this ...

  8. Awww! Thank you so much!!! :-) Dolly Gee Squeakers (formerly of the Humane Society Squeakers) wanted me to pass along a message, but Liza Bean Bitey (of the Minneapolis Biteys) wouldn't let her out of the bathroom long enough to relay it to me.

    They have a complicated relationship.



  9. Is this that "four truths and a lie" thing? Because I think your versions are all true! They are amazing.


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